I'm in the middle of the exams right now, having English Language tomorrow!
I'm not scared at all, more like, completely crushed.
I had a crush on this guy over Easter, and I mentioned him in my previous post I think.
He's the guy that I realized I really had a crush on and wasn't just attracted to.
Never once did I fantasize about him!
Which is like, WOAHHH, for me,hahhaha. He's so easy and fun to talk to, it could never be awkward.
So then I started getting close to him, we became good friends.
I had the best time during the last day of school, not because it really was the best, because in ICT I got to spend time with him, and even with his messily geled hair (we had to dress up), he was still as cute as ever.
Then we got to walk together after ICT across the field and sigh, it was the best.
Then afterwards I got a photo of a hot guy with his 6 pack so yeah that was also great.
Later that day, I asked him out to watch Pirates of the Carribean 4 with me which was coming out near the end of exams.
He said yes, and we texted and talked, it all seemed to be going well.
Next day he texted and said good morning, we were both at school for some revision for the exams.
We talked on the phone for ages that night, 2 hours, and I didn't want to get off the phone with him but he had to go, it ws like, 3 AM at night. :)
Well, as you know, in real life, there are no fairytales, and just a day ago I found out he actually just wanted to be friends with benefits. And he was such an asshole when he said it.
I was confused, heartbroken, disappointed...SO CONFUSED, because I didn't see it coming at ALL.
I thought it was real you know, because during that phone call he talked about it being 'official' and I even told him that he wasn't going to get the things that he thought he would get from me, like sex, and he said he knew. I told him I didn't like how he smoked and all that, and he said he was OK with it and he'll stop, just like that. Three simple words 'Ok I'll stop.' He said in the future I shouldn't be afraid to tell him anything.
That's why I was so confused. What the hell happened?
So now I don't get cute little texts from him anymore, and everytime i see posters and hear ads of Pirates of the Carribean 4, my heart sinks and I think about how such an amazing movie could just be ruined like that before I even saw it.
I still like him though, I can't control how I feel. So it's just back to base again where I still have a secret crush on him and I know it'll never go anywhere.
I keep telling myself that it's OK, because that's life, you learn from your mistakes, but I'm done with learning from my mistakes, I want to stop adding things to my 'do not' list, the longer it gets it just makes me feel so sick knowing I have experienced all these things. All the cliche things in tv shows, betrayal, love, hatred, crushes, desperation. Like when is it ever going to stop? I don't want to be part of the 'STAY STRONG GIRLS, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE' group, it's stupid, it's bullshit. I don't need cheering up, I don't need to be comforted with words such as 'it's OK, theres many other fish in the pond, he's an asshole, he doesn't deserve u.' Shit like that, are lies. It's NOT ok, I want that fish, the one who's an asshole, the one who doesn't deserve me. I'm going to face it, and soon the shitty feeling will go away and it'll be forgotten about in a few years.
Loving the song 'Lee Dewyze - Beautiful like you' atm.
Love
Lollapalooza ♥
0 comments:
Post a Comment