A little confession.

I cringe whenever I look back and think about the number of times I've said 'I really like him.'
Or 'this time it's different.'
And the number of times I've thought 'Wtf was i thinking?' after looking back.
Even with that in mind, I can't stop myself from saying this.

I really like him.

This time it's different.

Wtf am i thinking?

I'm thinking about the smile that he gives me when he sees me, the way he rubs my hands while we're holding hands, the way my head lies perfectly on his chest when he hugs me, the way he says 'but i really like you' when i feel like there's no hope left.

I'm thinking how he's not the typical boyfriend who buys you flowers, treats you like a princess, takes you out to movies and dinners, and gives you a lovely goodbye kiss at the end of the date. Instead he stays away from me, he's cocky, he always makes me angry at the end of the date, he doesn't always reply to my texts or appreciate the meaningful things i say that make myself completely vulnerable, he doesnt share anything with me, he's not gentle with me, he does not feel completely comfortable with me, he doesn't really like to reveal his feelings.

Then I'm thinking how much more it means to me when he decides to send me a text to say hey, or tells me that I look beautiful, or gives me a quick kiss after school, or hangs around after school to wait for me, or tells me things that he's scared of.

So yes, I really like him.

Feels like a lifetime ago

+ A* for Edexcel DT:Textiles ;)

Even though the results came out a long time ago, and they don't matter anymore since it was only to get into my own schools 6th form, I'm still quite proud of it. :)

Life in 6th Form has been so hard nowadays, it's not just the piles and piles of homework, i feel like life in all aspects is getting harder. In class mostly I feel like crap, chemistry is hard, and I feel like I'm behind most people in class because I didn't learn as much as them for someone who did Coordinated Science. In math I'm not as fast, I'm not the best, and I don't get on with the teacher because we went through this rough patch right before my IGCSE's, what with my attitude and my constant forgetfullness with my homework. At home I'm either sleeping or doing homework. After school when I have training for football and basketball I feel like crap because my football coach doesn't give a shit about what I do because he already sees me as a useless piece of waste in a game of chess, just waiting to be knocked over. I feel humiliated because he doesn't give me proper training, he doesn't see me improving, and I'm automatically kicked down to the lil kids section when we're playing in a game during training. Just because I agreed to not play in real games but to train with them in exchange to be in the team doesn't mean I get to be treated like crap. I wouldn't have minded, but I'm the only one who gets treated like this. There are girls who play horribly and also girls who just started in my year but I'm the only one who gets 'the talk' about which team to put me in. The girls in the team don't even bother helping me with no reason whatsoever. I get no explanation, no briefing, nothing, just play and kick the fucking ball. WELL, u can't blame me for fucking not knowing how to play because NO ONE's taught me anything. Obviously no sane person would put themselves through this kind of shit, I'm not friggin Edward Cullen in Twilight who's a masochist. The only thing that ties me to that ball of bullshit is my freaking expensive football boots. It would be a total waste if I stopped playing.

I feel a completely different kind of stress in basketball because half of the team has left and I'm expected to step up. I was already supposed to step up but this has to be a huge step up. Coach is always screaming and i lost all my stamina over the summer. It's so hard to catch up. Specially after they joined the Under 15 girls with the Under 18 girls team together. I wouldn't want to be seen as an equal with the Under 15's otherwise it'll be just like fucking football all over again.

You know what, sports used to be something I did because it made me happy, its a stress reliever, it's not something that would add on more stress for me.

Even the guy in the fucking wheel chair in Glee gets to play rugby.

It makes me reconsider what I am worth in this world. If I'm not good at anything,not even one small specific thing, how the hell am i supposed to succeed, get in a good uni, get a good job, create a family, and all that shit that everybody expects you to do?

And then there's also the part of where I'm so EAGER to be in a relationship that I find myself so friggin pathetic all the time. The guy that I like, never likes me back. The guy that I've been recently crushing on is so cute and adorable, but then that's the part where it all goes wrong, just because I like him, I'm never going to date him, never. It's just how it works.

I just want to find balance in my life, some kinda guru or something like the ones in that cartoon 'avatar:the last airbender'. Someone wise enough to guide me through my life. But that's one thing that that cartoons missed out, not everyone gets help, finds peace and salvation, and lives happily ever after. Some people just go so down the hill into that deep black hole that they lose themselves in the end.

However, that's not going be me because I'm not THAT weak, and my life isn't so bad I have to say. Blogging/bitching is just a step that I need to take in order to restore my confidence and overcome whatever shit that's putting me down. Having said that, I'm gna go overcome this hunger of mine which is not allowing me to do my hw. TOODLES!

Best wishes

Lollapalooza!,

The secret life of a sales assistant.

Oh, dear, god. Life has never been this hard before.
Ok, I'm more like this:

But because that photo looks fucking disgusting, I don't want it to be at the very top.
It was my second day working at the store today. I'll tell you which store it is on skype. But my legs, my spine, and my head hurts like a motherfucking bitch. I stood there for 5 hours sraight, occasionally helping customers hang the clothes they don't want. There's not many customers on weekdays. Then I go for a one hour lunch break, or dinner, depending if I'm doing the morning or afternoon shift. Then I continue to stand for 3 hours until I go home. It's horrible. But it's the best job for someone like me who doesn't even have a single qualification, it pays well too. And the worst part is that the more I stay in the store, the more I forget about my real life, which is in my school. Even seeing a teacher comforts me knowing that I'm still young and I'm still in school, and this is NOT my real job. THANK THE LORD.

And did you know you could get traumatized by this sort of job? Whenever I hear the sound of hangers scraping across the pole stick thing, whenever I see hooks that resemble the image of a hook, whenever I hear music, whenever I'm in a cold room, whenever I see clothes, I lose it. When I see so many people wearing clothes I get really scared thinking I'll have to hang all of those up and I'd have to remind myself I'm not at work. IT'S HORRIBLE. And I've also lost my English skills, I can tell that my English sucks like shit right now, and I can't even phrase together the things I actually want to say. Instead I have to substitute it with something else which doesn't exactly convey what's in my mind.

My dad's watching the Tennis France Open, and boy does that sarah-pova girl know how to moan in Tennis. *smacks the ball* 'UGHHHHHHH!' *smacks the ball* 'UGHHHHHH!' and her opponent's just completely quiet hahaha. I have this major headache right now and I need to go to bed but I don't want to because it's only 9:45. Who the hell gets sleepy at that time? This job has completely sucked every last bit of energy out of me. I have so much to say, but according to the speed my brain is working at the moment, I should have about 5 minutes left so I'm just going to say how NICE the clothes are in that store, and it really just kills me seeing all these women try on nice beautiful things and all I can do is stand and watch and clean up the mess they make. I feel so inferior as the sales assistant, I want to be the fucking customer. You know I haven't even shopped the whole store yet? I don't think I'm ever returning to that store after the job. Oh shit my brain's about to explode. I've already planned everything, the store has a mega sale soon, and I'm going to do a morning shift so I can shop after my shift ends at 7PM. You know I get 40% off for being a part time worker?

The most ridiculous part about this job: I have to watch mothers buy their little kids that are 3 months to 2 years old, DESIGNER, clothes, that are about 100RM ++ that's not even bigger than my face. PFTTTT. PFTTTTT!!! They grow out of it in less than 3 months. Then they buy more designer baby clothes. Speechless.

Oh and, god damn, the music played in the store repeats everyday. But at least, the playlist lasts a day, unlike some stores that repeat every hour which even kills my ears as the customer.

Some customers are nice, some aren't so much, some I want to murder, some makes me feel all warm and gooey, especially when they hang everything properly for me. Unlike some girls, who don't even take out all their clothes and throw their hangers everywhere. I swear, being a sales assistant is so fucking OCD. You basically just make everything look neat, make the clothes on the stacks all equidistant, make sure all the buttons and zips are done, and make sure the hanger is facing the right side because the logo is only on one side. It trains you to be the most fucking OCD person in the world, which explains why I am completely traumatized.

They say that the first few days you get really tired, then you fall sick, then afterwards you won't feel anything at all and everything will be alright again. Good to know I'll fall sick.

Today, there was this lady who came in, made a sales assistant carry all the clothes she wanted to try on, then went into the fitting room to change, then went out to carry more, then came back to the fitting room, and so on.
She got so many clothes we had to get her a pole thingy migigy what's it called? I'll show you a picture:

Yeah, she got about 30 pieces. The little green monster in me wanted to jump out and murder her. But turns out, these were all fucking sponsored clothes, that means after she films her movie, she's going to return all the clothes unharmed and we're going to continue to sell them. I felt like such a slave helping her retrieve and hang all her fucking clothes. You know how big a mess she made? Piles of fabric and hangers everywhere, on the floor on the handle, on the little table in the small cubicle. SHE DIDN'T PAY FOR ANYTHING, pissed me off. I'm glad I'm doing this, it'll make me want to work harder in my studies, it's like I'm teaching myself a lesson. Never, am I fucking serving people again after this job.

CUSTOMER FOR LIFE BIATCHES.

God all the stories that I could tell but my head can only handle this much, I'm off to bed. Nights.

LOVE

fuckedupworkingtermite♥♥,

BTW.

The picture has no relevance to what I'm about to say: I got a job! It's at a clothing store. I have to work during weekends as well and I can only pick one day off on the weekdays. I'm a bit worried about my exams though, because I have a drama revision the day before exams, and the exams itself. However, the revision is probably in the morning. I'm working 1PM-10PM for 3 weeks. Crazy eh? 11RMB per hour. Oh dear give me strength. <3 I love you Captain Jack Sparrow :'(

LOVE

Workingtermite,

Yohoho, it's a pirate's life for me.

I realized that starting a post by talking about exams is boring. Like really boring.
I mean who cares if I'm taking ENGLISH, or MATH, or whatever exam shit I'm taking because it's not like they're taking it. However, I have to say this: MY EXAMS ARE OVERRRRR.
Not really, no. I still have drama in a week and Textiles in 3 weeks, but they don't count. :P

Well from the photo it's obvious I'm about to talk about Captain Jack Sparrow, the great.
I watched POTC 4 the other day, actually I watched it twice. Not because I liked it that much, it was a bad movie, and if Captian Jack Sparrow wasn't in it, the movie would've failed miserably.
And the half-naked mermaids, they were the highlight of the movie.
Johnny Depp is such a great actor, he's my idol. He can act ANYTHING. His movies are always so weird, probably one of the few movies that he acted in that had a normal character was probably 'The Tourist'. But that was still a good movie nonetheless because the ending was prettyyyy unpredictable.
I think of the real pirates in life, and how people just hate them because they kidnap people and they're evil and don't follow the law. I like em'. There should be a balance in the world, with people who follow the law and order, and people who are just free birds who get to decide what they want to do. At least when they die, they'll be known in the world, and they've had quite a journey. I want to die knowing I did something that not everybody did. Over the summer I think I'm going to start new, like I need to find my inner peace and find a balance. Clear all the evil and dirty things out of my mind. I want to be what I used to be, someone who doesn't overthink things like crazy, 'oh could it be possibly that he likes me?' 'If I do this will it be awkward?' 'That girl's such a slutty bitch for god's sakes.' I want to be the nice, caring, non-judgemental me, but also fun and crazy, and slutty.

I love you Captain Jack Sparrow :')

God, am I bored. I literally just sit around the house all day, I don't even exercise anymore.
I see the boy once in a while, I put him on my list of 'people with smiles that melt my heart'.
Do you have any?
I think from now onwards I'll just write a post either in reply to your post when you actually start WRITING some, or when something's actually happened in my life, because I find myself just rambling on non-stop like how some people do on their blogs. I read it and it drives me crazy. 'I ate omelettes for lunch and then I went out to have some yoghurt and I chilled with my friend then I spend all day studying afterwards. Now I am watching a movie and I think I will go take a shower later on'
Ok, unless I'm obsessed with that person's life, I'd read all that shit and follow his/her blog. But really it's just a lot of rambling about their life. Girl, you need to gimme something interesting.
Ew, I think one of the girls at the cafe I'm at, just farted, the whole cafe smells like shit. Wtf.
Anyways I'm going to go home now, I might go out clubbing this week, and if I do, I'll have something more to write about.

'Ohhh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart, goes out like a gun, brighter than the sun' - Colbie Caillat :)

Love

Lollapallooza ♥,

I'm like a bird, I can only fly away.

I'm free from Malay! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
I took my last exam today, which was essay writing, and I'm feeling very proud because I understood the questiona and I wrote the right content! Hahaha, please please give me a B...
I'm definitely enjoying life right now, no school, no homework, just studying the only subjects left that I love...Science and Business Studies :)

Anyways I want to talk to you about this problem that I think I have and I think it's weird. Like really weird.
And it often gets in the way of my life.
I think I have like multi personalities and I'm not even joking.
Like you might not see it because only when I'm with you then I combine those two together, my innocent side and my evil side. Which together is just normal me.
It's not like I 'pretend' to be someone I'm not, I just don't reveal that other side.
I haven't done anything bad for a while and it's like suddenly I've reincarnated myself into a whole new innocent person who's never done anything bad in life. I don't like it when people say really nasty things like 'tits' and like 'pussy'. And I think kissing is yucky. No joke.
I remember that time when my ex went away for a while and when he came back it was so weird for me to be kissing him. I felt really bad, and it was like I was doing something really sinful.
So yeah, I think I need help. Right now I can't even IMAGINE myself going out clubbing at all.
It's just so shameful!
But again, you would never think I'd have that problem because I'm just me in front of you.
I even tell you when I'm going to take a dump which btw I find to be very cool. :D
We'd be the perfect roommate, and I won't even have to buy my own books, you'll just buy it all for me, and I can just borrow em'. >:)
I was googling at some of the lofts and wow, what I really like about em' is that the windows are HUGE. It goes all the way from the floor to the celing on the SECOND floor!

I definitely love the stairs, they're so GRANDE.

 And imagine all that SPACE. The vast space we'll have. Hahahahaha.

But what I'd definitely want is an apartment loft, then we'd get to watch the sunset, and hopefully we'd have the view of the city.

I really doubt I'll be able to afford this by myself though, so we'd definitely have to be roommates!

Oh and I have a few ideas for the interior design of the place. I was thinking like red and white walls, with wooden planked floors, and lots and lots of mirrors and windows!

Something like this, but the red could be darker:

Or we could have it look more modern, grey with white and wooden furnitures:

Hahaha, I'm going overboard with this! But whatever we do, there should be wooden stuff in our apartment loft!

I really like doing interior decorations, I think I could also possibly be an interior decor in the future.

Check out this website : http://www.huelsta.co.uk/uk_en/segment_uk_en/living/index.html

They have REALLY nice interior design ideas, it's just beautiful.

I'm quite glad I'm going to be able to do Design & Technology for A levels next year, maybe for coursework I could design our own home in the future! Oh and, mats under our living room tea table is a must. :)

So now, all I have to do, is succeed in life. Hahaha, i might not have big dreams for what I want to do, but I sure have big dreams for the things I want in the future. Check out this weirdass loft I found on google:



   To be honest, I'm so scared for the future. Time is flying by at the speed of light, and I'm afraid I'm not properly spending every single minute of my life, for example right now, maybe I could be doing something productive and useful, instead of googling all this shit about my dream home. And then in a year I'd wish I'd have done something more useful, in two years when I'm in college I'd wish I'd have done better with myself, and when i apply for a job, I'd be thinking of how I wish I'd have done better in college. And it'll just go on forever and forever and my life will just be full of regrets you know?

I know you're not supposed to think like that, but it just scares me.

Yet it doesn't scare me enough to work hard instead of lying around the house, writing on blogs, going on skype, and chatting with friends.

It's fucked up :/

Anyways I shall get going now, need to study for my practical this Thursday, I can't wait! :)

You make me go la-la.

Hey! I got my new laptop today! And dear lord is it beautiful.
I can like open different websites with my fingerprints and also its got beatsaudio!
It's the HP Pavillion dv6 series :)

It's a Saturday and I'm just sitting in my room using it, I've never owned a laptop before all to myself, so this is all quite exciting for me.
I can't stop listening to the song 'I never told you' by Colbie Caillat, the lyrics keep repeating 'I miss everything about you' and it's killing me.
I'm just waiting, and waiting, for a miracle to happen, for him to change his mind.
But seriously? A miracle? I'm waiting for miracles?
I can't even concentrate during the exams.
I heard this line in American Idol from Steven Tyler: 'You made Gaga's yaya go la la!'
He makes me go la la, like full on la la, not just to my yaya. :|
I hate how human brains work. Sometimes, I wish I was a robot with no feelings.
Just sometimes.
Anyways, I shall go do more past year papers, still waiting for your FIRST POST. >:(
Here's a question I saw in one of my papers, quite funny :P :

'But I know this crush ain't going away, going away.' - David Archuleta

Loveeeeee

Lollapalooza ♥