+ A* for Edexcel DT:Textiles ;)
Even though the results came out a long time ago, and they don't matter anymore since it was only to get into my own schools 6th form, I'm still quite proud of it. :)
Life in 6th Form has been so hard nowadays, it's not just the piles and piles of homework, i feel like life in all aspects is getting harder. In class mostly I feel like crap, chemistry is hard, and I feel like I'm behind most people in class because I didn't learn as much as them for someone who did Coordinated Science. In math I'm not as fast, I'm not the best, and I don't get on with the teacher because we went through this rough patch right before my IGCSE's, what with my attitude and my constant forgetfullness with my homework. At home I'm either sleeping or doing homework. After school when I have training for football and basketball I feel like crap because my football coach doesn't give a shit about what I do because he already sees me as a useless piece of waste in a game of chess, just waiting to be knocked over. I feel humiliated because he doesn't give me proper training, he doesn't see me improving, and I'm automatically kicked down to the lil kids section when we're playing in a game during training. Just because I agreed to not play in real games but to train with them in exchange to be in the team doesn't mean I get to be treated like crap. I wouldn't have minded, but I'm the only one who gets treated like this. There are girls who play horribly and also girls who just started in my year but I'm the only one who gets 'the talk' about which team to put me in. The girls in the team don't even bother helping me with no reason whatsoever. I get no explanation, no briefing, nothing, just play and kick the fucking ball. WELL, u can't blame me for fucking not knowing how to play because NO ONE's taught me anything. Obviously no sane person would put themselves through this kind of shit, I'm not friggin Edward Cullen in Twilight who's a masochist. The only thing that ties me to that ball of bullshit is my freaking expensive football boots. It would be a total waste if I stopped playing.
I feel a completely different kind of stress in basketball because half of the team has left and I'm expected to step up. I was already supposed to step up but this has to be a huge step up. Coach is always screaming and i lost all my stamina over the summer. It's so hard to catch up. Specially after they joined the Under 15 girls with the Under 18 girls team together. I wouldn't want to be seen as an equal with the Under 15's otherwise it'll be just like fucking football all over again.
You know what, sports used to be something I did because it made me happy, its a stress reliever, it's not something that would add on more stress for me.
Even the guy in the fucking wheel chair in Glee gets to play rugby.
It makes me reconsider what I am worth in this world. If I'm not good at anything,not even one small specific thing, how the hell am i supposed to succeed, get in a good uni, get a good job, create a family, and all that shit that everybody expects you to do?
And then there's also the part of where I'm so EAGER to be in a relationship that I find myself so friggin pathetic all the time. The guy that I like, never likes me back. The guy that I've been recently crushing on is so cute and adorable, but then that's the part where it all goes wrong, just because I like him, I'm never going to date him, never. It's just how it works.
I just want to find balance in my life, some kinda guru or something like the ones in that cartoon 'avatar:the last airbender'. Someone wise enough to guide me through my life. But that's one thing that that cartoons missed out, not everyone gets help, finds peace and salvation, and lives happily ever after. Some people just go so down the hill into that deep black hole that they lose themselves in the end.
However, that's not going be me because I'm not THAT weak, and my life isn't so bad I have to say. Blogging/bitching is just a step that I need to take in order to restore my confidence and overcome whatever shit that's putting me down. Having said that, I'm gna go overcome this hunger of mine which is not allowing me to do my hw. TOODLES!
Best wishes
Lollapalooza!,
